Just Friends

Lately I have been wondering if I could be more than “just friends” with one of my guy friends. As I’ve mentioned before, if a guy is my friend and I have a good time with him then most likely I’d be down to try dating and see if there’s something more there between us. Not that I’m pining away for the guy, but I’m open to the idea.

Well recently I was feeling like maybe I was in this situation. Could there be more there than just friendship here? Am I misinterpreting his words and actions as a friend to be more? Initially my solution was time – give it time and see what, if anything, happens. Again, as I’ve said before, I’m a big believer that if a guy is interested he will ask you out. And for my personality type (strong/independent) I need a guy who is not afraid to take charge and go after what he wants. So I decided to wait and give it time. And while I do think that was a good plan, you wanna know what an even better plan was…. Knowing right away.

While I technically didn’t get my answer directly from the source, I did get some background on the situation and was able to more clearly see the line between friendship and actual relationship interest for this person. It’s kinda hard to explain while being as vague as I’m being. Sorry about that. And of course I can’t say that I know with 100% certainty this guy’s interest level, but I feel like I better understand his personality and his relationships with women that led me to reach the conclusions I was reaching, even though that was not his intention. And now that I just made that even more complicated, let’s move on.

Knowing that we would be staying in that “just friends” zone has made things so much easier for me. 

I’m no longer reading into things that are said or done wondering if there’s a hidden meaning there. I’m no longer worried about every little thing I say and do (not that I was overly worried before, but you know what I mean). Knowing where I stand just gives me the freedom to enjoy our friendship without any other thoughts or feelings getting in the way. 

I was talking with a friend about this situation and they were worried I’d be all disappointed. And while of course it sucks when things seem like they could be something more and then they don’t turn out, I was almost more relieved just to know where I stand. And now I can just enjoy having a good friend to have some fun with. Pressure’s off.

Hmmm...

Maybe it's time to get desperate, because I'm still single...

Just Kidding!!

I will say, I was pretty excited to move to Dallas because I really thought there would be so many single, cute, college-educated guys here. And guess what?? There are! But.... they're already married. Shocker, I know.

I have been fairly surprised at the low number of single guys here. I guess I've always felt like there is this huge group of older, still active, have-their-crap-together, Mormon guys out there, but the older I get the more I just don't think this is the case anymore. The pickings are slim. Not to say there aren't some good options out there still, but they're few and far between. And at this stage it's sometimes hard to get them to focus. What I think most Mormon girls can attest to is that most active Mormon guys, regardless of their looks, have multiple options when it comes to girls. Next time you're in church look around. You'll see some couples that are both pretty attractive, a number of oddball couples that make you feel for a moment that there's someone out there for everyone, and then you'll see the couples that give me the most concern. It is this last group of couples that makes me wonder about who is left for me. These are the couples with the very attractive woman and the very average looking guy.

I know. I know. I shouldn't judge people based on appearance. But occasionally I do. And you do too. Even if you don't want to admit it right now. So let's not pretend that we don't. I'm not saying these average looking guys aren't great - they are and that's my problem. That's the group of guy I'm going for. So when you have these super hot girls going for the average guys, what's left for us average girls?

Sidebar: This isn't a pity party. I can admit my shortcoming without feeling like a loser. I'm a freaking awesome person and I know it. But I am a realist. And calling myself average won't ruin me. In fact I find it empowering to embrace the truth. Now back to the point.

Of course in an ideal world it wouldn't be about any of our outside appearances and I actually do believe that once you truly get to know someone their outside fades away and your opinion of their attractiveness is completely determined by their personality and how they make you feel when you're with them. I've had multiple guy friends over the years who I did not find attractive at all before I became friends with them and then after getting to know them I found them very attractive. So attraction is a fluid thing. But, the key is getting to know the person. And sometimes our initial judgment about whether or not we find someone attractive can limit those we get to know enough to change that opinion. Therein lies the problem with this third group of couples. If all these average guys are getting attention from these model girls how are the average girls supposed to get the time of day to show the guys how hot we are on the inside?

I'm not gonna lie, when I started writing this blog post I didn't really know what my point was. Was I just wanting to bash on the couples I secretly long to be? Hmmm, I don't think so. So what was it?

One option is that all of us awesome, average, and forever single girls should just ban together and take over the world. I really think we could do it. All that pent up sexual frustration mixed with our abilities to get crap done could really lead to some effective change. Something to think about if nothing else.

Or maybe this is a written desire that more guys who grow up in the Church remain in the Church so there aren't so many of us girls left hanging. Through the years I've had a good number of friends fall away from the Church - guys and girls. But it does seem like most people I've talked to know a lot more guys that have gone inactive or are riding the fence just enough to not want to do the whole temple marriage thing. It's sad and frustrating and as much as we want that to change I don't know that it ever will.

Maybe the point has nothing to do with guys afterall. I guess the take away for me is that I'm part of this awesome group of educated, hard-working, strong, independent Mormon women. We aren't wives. We aren't moms. But we still have a place in the Gospel. We still have a place in our wards. We still have a purpose to fulfill. It's true there are some people in the Church who don't know what to do with us. There are some women in Relief Society who don't know how to talk to us. Maybe that's when we need to use our take-charge attitudes to step in and show them how we can serve. Show them the value we can add. I think as the years go on there are going to be a lot more of us. And this is our Church too. Maybe it's on us to help pave the way for future single Mormon girls. Let's help show them (and ourselves) that "graduating" from a YSA ward single isn't the end of the world. Show them that there are more options after high school than marriage or mission. Show them how we navigated this course and how it made us better and stronger and closer to our Savior than we were before. #SingleSistersStrong

I'm single, not desperate

Sometimes I think there's a misconception out there that if you're "older", single, and not model gorgeous you need to be okay - no, more than ok - excited when any guy is interested in you. It doesn't matter how you feel about the guy. If he's interested in you, you need to go for it, because who knows when another guy will come around. 

While I think we single people need to be practical and realize no one out there is perfect (besides us of course) that in no way means we have to settle. 

Should we give people chances who we may not be super excited about initially? Unless they're sketchy, I say yes. Should we force ourselves to be into someone we don't see/want a real future with? I don't think so. 

So in defense of myself, and any other single people like me out there, I say this... I may be single, but I'm not desperate. 

Would I like to meet a guy to eventually marry and have children with? One hundred percent. Will I have a miserable life if I don't? I don't think so. Single or married, life is what you make it. So for now, I'm going to try to have the most fun (my interpretation of fun) single life I can and hopefully one day have a great married life with someone I am excited to be with and grateful to have found. 

Signing out,

Single & Happy

The new "Date Night"

During my college years it was Friday nights that I found the hardest to be single. For most people Friday night meant "Date Night", but for me Friday night meant "Where-can-I-go-tonight-where-I'll-run-into-the-least-amount-of-people-on-dates night". After time, I got used to that, and as I moved out of Provo, UT that feeling/stress about being alone on another Friday night dissipated. 

These days, Friday night is a time for celebration. "Hooray, I made it through another week of work! Time to grab dinner on my way home from the office, put on sweats the second I walk in the front door, and decide what series I'm going to watch in it's entirety tonight!" Oh how I love Friday nights these days. 

But the "single struggle" hasn't disappeared - it just moved back a few days and brought a whole new swarm of worries. 

I don't know what it is about Sunday, but as an "older", single, active LDS female I've found that Sundays really made me more emotional about the fact I'm still single. I still love Sundays and am grateful for the spirit I can feel when I attend church, but in some ways it has become the new "date night" in my life.

I love that the LDS Church has such a huge emphasis on marriage and families. I long for those blessings in my life. And in no way do I think the importance of these two goals should be minimized. But from my experience, there is a loneliness that Sunday brings nowadays that I hadn't experienced previously. I sit in Sacrament Meeting and see these cute young family's trying to wrestle their young children, or the parents with teenagers who can now actually sit by each other again, or the cute older couples who have spent a lifetime together and are still cuddling on the pew. (I'm aware there are those in the congregation that don't fall into any of these categories, but in our times of struggle we tend to only see the things we want but don't have yet.) 

The other thing that affects me most on Sundays is when the comments are made about those who don't marry or have kids in this life will have those opportunities in the next life. While I am so grateful for that knowledge and those promised blessings, that understanding does little to take away the pains and lonelinesses of today. All those comments make me think of is the next 50+ years of my life I may spend alone. Sure I have awesome family and friends I can visit and spend time with, but at the end of the day I come home to an empty house. I worry that the years will pass and my spare bedrooms will never be converted into the kid bedrooms I imagine them becoming. I worry my backyard will never have a soccer net/baseball gear/or tumbling passes scattered across it. I worry about who will take care of me when I'm old and can longer take care if myself. The promised blessings in the next life do little to subside the sadness that comes from the worries of today. 

Sorry for the sad post today. I know I have a very blessed life, and am so grateful for it, but it's Sunday and these are my thoughts.

Every Pot Has A Lid

For a while now I've been contemplating creating a new blog dedicated to the realities of being single, somewhat older, Mormon, and living in a small town with very limited dating options. Because who doesn't want to read about that right?! I've hesitated starting this sooner because I didn't want it to turn into a another bitter single girl ranting about why boys are stupid and whining about why don't they like me and yada yada yada. That is not my intention. That being said, I can't guarantee that won't happen from time to time, but again it is not my intention for this blog. I'd like to provide a realistic look at the highs and lows of being single. It's safe to say I experience both perspectives daily. Will anyone read these thoughts? I don't know. But here I go...

Earlier today I clicked a link someone had shared on Facebook for a YouTube video made by Amy Poehler. I expected it to be funny and make me laugh, but instead it really made me reflect on my perspective about my body. I've often thought/felt my body is the reason I'm still single. If only I were a few sizes smaller surely I would have met some guy who would love me by now right? Even tonight, I took Lola to the dog park and there was a pretty attractive guy there with his 3 dogs. Right off the bat I took myself out of the game and avoided any possible interaction with him. Why did I do that? I did it because I felt he was more attractive than I was, so surely he wouldn't even think about interacting with someone "like me". What?! It's like I've been duped (perhaps by myself) into thinking that my body is all I have to offer. Now looking back I can see how stupid I was for selling myself short in that instant.

Let me be clear about one thing. I do not have a self-esteem problem. Grammar and punctuation problems? Sure, I've come to terms with those, but I'm good when it comes to self-esteem. I actually thinking pretty highly of myself (probably too highly) in most aspects of my life. I'm proud of my accomplishments up to this point and look forward to meeting and exceeding other goals I have for my future. I think I have a lot of great qualities, but I do worry that no one will ever take the time to learn about those parts of me. And sure, there will be people I meet along the way who may pass me by because of my body. To be fair, I know I'm guilty of doing that with some guys as well. But this brings me back to the YouTube video. As funny as it sounds, Amy Poehler has helped me looked at myself in a different, more positive way.  I've included the video here because I think she has some really good points about body image and learning to love the things we have been given.




I just really love what she said there. I know that I have my little "tape" that plays over and over in my head. I've gotten really good at picking out my flaws - both physical and personality flaws. I think it's time to stop using that tape. It's time to move on to a new series of tapes where I appreciate not only the positive things about me, but also learn to accept and love my not so great features as well.


In the end, I want to end up with a guy who loves my tree trunk thighs. With someone who uses my love handles to pull me closer to him. I want to be with someone who tells me I'm beautiful and isn't lying. I do deserve love. And I'm willing to wait for it. Thanks for the reminder Amy.